I hit a low point both physically and emotionally today, after being in the lockdown for six weeks.
Nothing about my situation is unique or devastating, compared to the millions of Americans who have lost their jobs or kids who have no internet to access online school. I don’t want this to be seen as a far cry, as difficult situations can set off individuals differently, it IS often the sudden unprepared change from your norm that causes anxiety, stress, and feeling of burnout.
I have a nice house on the Peninsula, I am a working mother with a new budding photography career, two smart kids who are 15 and 12, a husband who works in high tech. Our refrigerator is well stocked with carefully curated meat, fish, and fresh produce. I watch the open slots on Instacart to get that extra salami for our in-house happy hour.
I am doing everything like all of the other mothers in the other households: cooking three meals a day, cleaning, laundry, wiping down all Amazon boxes before they get into the house, and of course homeschooling. Homeschooling has been the harder part. It is absolutely difficult to motivate the kids when the school just throws a pile of materials at them and expects them to read and complete the assignments on their own. My Monday to Friday is filled with nagging and yelling to make sure the kids complete their assignments on time. When I am not nagging, I am cooking and cleaning.
These all seem to be the norm during the pandemic time, right?
But the thing that stresses me out the most is the sense of losing your own identity. I have always been a very independent woman but so far I have had very little time to myself. I would be lucky to have two hours to myself on an average day. But when those two hours are scattered throughout the day, it is hard to get any larger piece of work done. Some days, I just give up.
I kept on thinking about the topic of working mothers. How is it even possible if you don’t have the supporting structure in places; whether that be your parents who live nearby or the resources you can use the money to buy to do the work, so you are freed to spend the necessary time to advance your career. The pandemic makes you realize that you are only able to move forward because of all of the support around you, and they are being stripped away during this time. When Marissa Mayer went back to work after a short maternity break, she got criticized by the media for not being a responsible mother, a very judgemental lens that is only applied to women. It is also absolutely horrible to preach the idea of Lean In to women, without the mention of the necessary support and the money behind it.
The pandemic really exposed the fundamental struggle of America’s working parents. You can’t have it all.
As a family, something has to give to keep the house running.
I decided to write down a few things that I am hoping to help myself cope with the current situation. The pandemic is not ending anytime soon, we are in this for the long run.
Acceptance and Expectation
People become unhappy not because they are unsuccessful, but because their own expectations are not met. That discrepancy causes unhappiness.
I have always been an avid learner and high achiever. My own expectation is higher on myself than I have on others. The fact is, nobody can work normally and have the same performance as they do under normal circumstances. Perhaps a better way to think about this: I am on sabbatical leave, as I have a family that I need to be attentive to. Anything else I could achieve during the pandemic, could just be considered bonus points, something to celebrate and feel grateful about, and not forget to give myself credit.
Not Everything Needs To Be Perfect
My house is less clean. I know there are a bunch of crumbles on the kitchen floor. The kids don’t take showers for 2-3 days that I pretend not to see (On the positive side, less laundry). I know I only had protein and carb on the table for tonight’s dinner but there will be vegetables tomorrow. Kids are late to submit the homework but I am sure the teacher will understand just like how they always do. Breakfast won’t be hot unless you get up at 9 am. Kids won’t get extra tutoring or homework, I am happy that they just finish the required work on time!
It is okay to be imperfect. It is our mindset to strive for the perfect solution, when that is not met we become stressed.
Bring Back The “Me” Time
I stopped meditation. I stopped exercising. I used to do these when I first woke up, but now I rush to get work done between 7 am to 9 am without the interruption from the kids.
This has a tremendous negative effect on me. I feel less energetic throughout the day. When I am with kids, I worry about catching up on work. When I am doing work, I go outside my room to nag the kids. It is a CONSTANT context switching.
I am going to reduce my work time to 6 hours but make it a solid six hours.
7 am - 9 am
10:30 am - 12:30PM
2:30 PM - 4:30 PM
During this time, I will not worry about my family, are they fed, are kids doing homework. But when I am out of these “me” time, I am with them 100%. I have noticed I have a set of sprint moments throughout the day, those periods rarely last more than 90 minutes anyway.
Helping Others
This may seem counter-intuitive. But many studies have found that helping others will make you happy and feel less stressed. Because there is a context shift from focusing on your own little miseries to fulfill something that brings others joy.
This week, I decided to pick up a project I wanted to do since the beginning of the pandemic: which is to offer free photography service for our neighbors and community. I got so busy so this idea was put on the back burner. The subject was brought up in a local discussion group, I mentioned my idea and was overwhelmed by the responses. I decided to set aside two hours each week, to photograph four families - while practicing the social distance. Many families want to remember this odd period in their life, together with their loved ones.
I am excited to kick off this project! I am going to be able to shoot again with my camera, not to mention the joy it will bring to my neighbors!
Those are the little steps I have decided to take, to help myself go through this long, uncertain period of time in our life. I would love to hear your thoughts, how you achieve certain balances in your life.
Stay safe, stay well.